A Divine Love Story

I've been thinking a lot about my husband lately.  We're coming up on twelve years and I couldn't be happier.  It occurred to me today that a small miracle that happened back when I was a teenager holds the entire responsibility for bringing us together.

I was fifteen years old and living in Alaska at the time.  I dealt with a lot of isolation because I was home schooled.  I made a lot of friends online or through church groups.  One of my friends shared my contact information with an older cousin who operated a book selling group for college students. 

This man sent me an email asking me if I'd be interested in doing door to door book sales to earn money for college.  If I did, it meant flying from Alaska to New Jersey by myself.  Normally, people are highly suspicious of such invitations received over the internet, but I wasn't because I knew the people involved.  They were all affiliated with my church group and well known. 

At the time I was a very shy, introverted type.  I didn't want to go.  The last thing I wanted to do was go somewhere by myself to hang out with a bunch of people who I'd never met, (even if they were good people).  I'd never flown on an airline alone; never traveled alone.

So I got up from the computer, went into my room and prayed furiously.  I didn't want to go but for some reason I felt like I really should want to go.  I felt guilty for not wanting to go.  So I made a bargain.  I told God that if He really wanted me to go, he would have to go through my dad.  "There's no way dad will let me go," I thought, "and you'll also have to get him to pay for my ticket."

I felt very secure in my bargain.  There wasn't the slightest possibility that dad would let me go, and we were always broke so I didn't think he'd also want to buy me a plane ticket.

Boy was I wrong.  I came out of my room feeling super relieved that I wouldn't have to go.  My dad is standing at my desk looking at my computer screen.  He looks over at me and says, "Do you want to go on this trip?  If you want to do it, you can go.  I'll even buy you a plane ticket."

I couldn't say anything.  I was told.  I was so dumbfounded I didn't know what to do.  So I went on the trip.  While on this trip I met two of my husband's brothers. 

Later one of these brothers would have a car wreck that paralyzed and nearly killed him.  Out of guilt and pity for not having sent well wishes, I would go to visit him a few years later, and that is when I would meet my husband.

In the beginning I thought God wanted me to sell books.  I thought He wanted me to get over being shy and learn to talk to strangers.  I thought He wanted me to be a missionary and do great things and I never felt I could live up to these expectations.  Now I think maybe he just wanted me to meet a good man who would love me as much as He did.  Maybe His love is greater than His list of expectations.

My Earliest Dream

I was nine years old. After my grandfather died I had a dream that I was in his home.
There was a wide staircase leading to the second floor. I started up but fell back down.
I heard voices saying "Hurry up he's going to be here!"

I came to the top of the stairs, turned to my right and went into my grandmother's room. On one of her walls was what looked like a movie screen. As I looked I could see my grandfather sitting with a base fiddle (as described from a child's view). He said he was happy and was doing what he had always wanted to do. He was in a beautiful garden with lots of people walking around. Young children, older looking people, but, they looked young at the same time.

The dream ended. The next day or so I asked my mother and grandmother if Grandpa had a favorite instrument he liked and they told me a base fiddle. Then I told them my dream. They never said much about it to me, but, they just listened.

A Bitter Blast from the Past

Last night was a night for icky dreams.  I dreamed about a crush from my first year of college. We were visiting secretly through emails or something.  He was sneaking because his mom didn't want him to talk to me.  Then we basically were sneakily seeing each other and talking and I explained to him that I just wanted to be friends again.  He touched my arm and said, "Wow, I didn't know that."

My mind has never fully let that whole situation go to rest.  Even though I have moved on with my life and I am a happy person, for some reason every so often my dreamscape takes me back to the feelings I used to struggle with.  The sadness of losing a friend and the lack of closure. 

These days usually become "Pride and Prejudice" days with hot chocolate and a blanket.  Reset!  The next day is always better.  I've learn to just roll with it.  The biggest way I deal is by forgetting.  I do my best to stay away from certain people and I fill my life with people who bring happiness instead of negative emotions.

Hello Grandfather

I guess I thought about my grandfather a lot yesterday when I was sharing and writing out the dream I had on the night he died.  Last night I dreamed about him again.

This time he was sitting in the drivers seat of my grandparents car and grandma was next to him.  I was in a different vehicle in the passenger seat.  He saw me and he waved vigorously.  Then he got out, came around to the drivers side window of the car I was in and said, "Hi, how are you doing?" 

I don't remember what I said, or what he said after that.  It kind of felt like we were talking through water.  What I remember most was how at the beginning he was sitting in the car and it looked like grandma was caring for him, as if the car seat was the same as his old recliner.  Then suddenly he was fine. 

Dreams are so strange.

Goodbye Grandfather

My grandfather suffered from Parkinson's disease for many years.  The last few years of his life were practically no life at all.  He was unable to use his hands, communicate or move around easily.  He suffered from painful cramping all over his body.  He fought hard though.  He went for a walk every day and tried to keep himself in shape.  Unfortunately, he suffered a fall one day.  It took a long time for doctors to figure out that he had broken his hip.  An attempt was made to replace this hip but the surgery was not successful.  His bones were so brittle there was no way to fix them.  So began the last two painful years of my grandfather's life.

He lived in a brown recliner in the living area of my grandparents home.  I rarely saw him anywhere else.  He watched a handful of television shows and was often alone because the living area was sectioned away from the rest of the house and most of the family spent a lot of time outside.  It didn't help that he had trouble swallowing, and it took so long for him to try to say something, that people would usually grow impatient and either interrupt him or start talking about something else.  I remember feeling terrible about this.

One night I had a dream, which is not in itself unusual, except that I dreamed about my grandfather, which I've never done before.

I dreamed all the usual suspects were in the living room surrounding grandfather who was sitting in his usual brown recliner.  We were visiting and talking but not about anything particular that I can remember.  At one point though something must have interested my grandfather because he sat forward in his recliner, with feet planted firmly on the floor and said something.  I can't remember what he said but he said it clearly.

Everyone in the room stopped talking and we all just stared at him in shock.  He looked uncomfortable like he didn't appreciate the scrutiny.  At this point in the dream tears were flying down my face and I said to him, "Wow! Grandpa, you sound SO much better!"  He looked at me and smiled and kind of laughed it off like it was nothing.

Conversation continued and I just sat there in shock.

Then we all wandered out into the kitchen area.  We left my grandfather in the living room in his brown recliner.  This upset me very much.  I said to my grandmother, "Why aren't we in there with him?  Why would we just leave him in there by himself?"

She said, "Oh, don't worry about him!  He'll come out when he's ready."  I felt distressed that she didn't seem more concerned about it.  I woke at this point.  I was crying in my sleep.  I saw the time.  I don't remember what it was exactly but I know it was somewhere between two and three in the morning.  I went back to sleep.

A few hours later I got a phone call from my parents to let me know grandpa had passed away.  He had left us in his sleep somewhere between two and three in the morning.

My Bird Experience

When I was about twelve years old we were living in the high desert.  One weekend we visited an elderly couple and I was left to my own devices.  The couple's home was surrounded by wild hills and large, scrubby juniper bushes.

I remember something had happened that day between me and my mom.  Maybe an argument.  I got in trouble for it and I remember feeling pretty down about it.  I felt like a bad person but that was mixed up with a lot of teenage hormone related emotions, too.  So, all in all, I was feeling pretty unhappy.

I took off into the hills by myself and climbed to the very top of a steep hill.  It was a pretty tall hill.  The whole hill was covered in trees.  When I got to the top of the hill I climbed a tall juniper tree.  I found a good place to sit on a branch.  From this vantage point I could see out over a large open valley.  It was so far to the other side that I could see a bit of blue haziness toward that end of the valley.

I don't remember what time of year it was, but it was not too warm.  There was no wind that day.  The trees were very still.  I heard no rusting of a breeze at all.

As I sat in the tree I prayed through many tears that I felt hopeless.  I wanted to know that God loves me and that I was not such a bad child as couldn't be accepted by Him.  I wanted to ask for a sign but I didn't want to be greedy so I decided to not ask for a bear to show up.  I looked out into the distance and I noticed far away there were birds flying out over the valley.  They were small dots with wings.  I asked God if he still loved me, to send one of these birds to fly over my head.  Then I would know.  I would have hope.  If not, then I would live life as I desired without trying to be a good person.

I sat there praying this prayer over and over in my head with my eyes closed.  I heard a roaring sound in the distance.  It sounded like it was coming from the valley.  I did not open my eyes.  The roaring sound go louder until a physical wave of wind hit me.  I had to reach my hands out and grab the branch above me to keep from being knocked from my perch.  The wind lasted for a little bit and then it died completely and the whole area was as dead of wind as before.

At this point I opened my eyes and cautiously looked up.  There were 3-6 of these huge birds flying in a tight circle directly above my head.  One flew between my tree and the one next to it.

This is why I believe there is definitely someone out there watching over us.